Recognizing Symptoms of Counter-Dependence: A Guide
In a family where emotions were treated as non-existent, James, a 40-something businessman, found himself struggling with deep-rooted feelings of loneliness and depression. Born as the youngest of seven children, nine years after his next youngest sibling, James grew up in a household where his parents were 47 and 52 when he was born, and they were tired of raising children.
As a result, James essentially raised himself due to his parents' lack of involvement in his education and personal problems. He had complete freedom after school because his parents seldom asked him where he was. This lack of emotional connection in his childhood led to a life devoid of his parents' joy, anxiety, or anger, as they seldom showed interest in his school life or personal problems.
James internalized the message "don't have feelings, don't show feelings, don't need anything from anyone, ever." This message was further reinforced by the fact that his accomplishments and failures should not be shared or his needs expressed, as he understood the unspoken rule of "don't ask, don't tell."
This unhealthy upbringing led to counter-dependence, a fear of depending on other people that is often used by mental health professionals. The signs of counter-dependence were evident in James' life. He was perceived as aloof, remembering his childhood as lonely, having fantasies about running away, being emotionally distant, preferring to do things for himself, finding it hard to ask for help, and feeling uncomfortable in close relationships.
Periodic wishes to be dead were a part of James' life, a coping mechanism to escape the mandate taught by his parents. However, James' relationship with his parents could be summed up as cordial, lacking the emotional intimacy he yearned for.
Seeking therapy, James stumbled upon Dr. Jonice Webb's book, "Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents & Your Children." The book offered guidance on repairing the effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) on relationships.
CEN, a subtle and difficult-to-identify condition, can be healed. The book provided insights into how giving oneself emotional interest and validation that was missed as a child can repair the effects of CEN on relationships. James found solace in the book, understanding that he was not alone in his struggles.
Today, James is on a journey to heal from his past and build healthier relationships. A free Childhood Emotional Neglect Questionnaire is available to determine if CEN is negatively impacting one's life. If you find yourself resonating with James' story, it might be worth taking the questionnaire to start your own journey towards healing.
