Seeking Comfort and Security in a Romantic Connection
In relationships, excessive reassurance-seeking can have a detrimental impact, going beyond the typical need for partner support. This behaviour, which involves constantly seeking validation, support, or confirmation from a partner even in situations where there's no rational cause for anxiety or doubt, can negatively affect any relationship, no matter how stable.
Psychology's attachment theory suggests that early childhood relationships with caregivers can shape our relationship formation later in life. Insecure attachment forms when caregivers don't meet our basic emotional or physical needs. Anxious attachment style, a type of insecure attachment, features anxiety, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, constant validation-seeking, and excessive reassurance-seeking.
Excessive reassurance-seeking can affect mutual respect and reduce patience within a relationship, potentially leading to conflict and a decrease in emotional intimacy. For instance, constantly asking your partner if they love you may make them start to wonder if their efforts to show it aren't appreciated or recognised. Constant reassurance-seeking can also make the partner start to doubt how the seeker feels about them and can force them into a place of disproportionate relationship responsibility.
Recognizing the pattern of excessive reassurance-seeking is the first step toward addressing it. Cultivating self-reliance through practices aimed at boosting self-esteem and self-compassion can be transformative. Building self-esteem by setting and working toward personal goals, journaling, cultivating self-agency by engaging in independent interests and activities, surrounding yourself with positive people, practicing self-validation through positive self-affirmations, learning to recognise when you need reassurance and questioning if it's truly necessary, and communicating the feelings behind your behaviours to your partner can help limit the presence of excessive reassurance-seeking in your life.
Lasting relief from excessive reassurance-seeking is possible by working closely with a mental health professional to address the underlying causes. Anxiety disorders, mental health conditions that feature behaviours rooted in feelings of persistent anxiety, can contribute to excessive reassurance-seeking. Similarly, perfectionism, a theme in OCD and reassurance-seeking, or a personality trait that naturally predisposes one to this behaviour, can also play a role.
It's essential to remember that feelings of low self-worth can make one doubt their decisions, feelings, and thoughts, leading to constantly seeking reassurance in a relationship about things they've said or done. Negative past experiences in relationships or experiencing trauma in a past relationship can also cause reassurance-seeking with your current partner.
Your partner might see constant reassurance-seeking as a reflection of how you feel about them, rather than as a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Therefore, it's crucial to address this behaviour to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship.
In conclusion, excessive reassurance-seeking in relationships is a behaviour that can have negative consequences. By recognising the pattern, cultivating self-reliance, and seeking help from mental health professionals when needed, it's possible to overcome this behaviour and maintain healthy, respectful, and intimate relationships.
